Wallace & Gromit in: Epic Slapstick Parody
by Assassin's Argentine Tango
Summary: I wasn't sure were to put this it has elements of Wallace & Gromit, Monty Python, Pokémon, and a lot of other things. It's worth a good laugh! Various characters in Wallace & Gromit or Pokémon will have pieces devoted to just them.
1. Dead Parrot Sketch

Character List

Layla Foster- Danielle Harris

Hayden Tottington- Ryan Kwanten

Caden Robbyns- Daniel Radcliffe

Celeste Robbyns- Natalia Tena

Alice Robynns- Natalie Portman

Melissa Glynn- Ali Bastian

Chastity Phillips- Eddie Izzard

Pet Shop Owner- Dennis Leary

Dr. Abraham- John Cleese

Orla- Piper Perabo

Mrs. Roberta Landin- Sally Field

Pewter- Michael Palin

Justina- Tea Leoni

Ma Kole- Queen Latifa

Chipper- Jason Alexander

Squeaker Toy- Jon Cryer

The Late Mr. Dobbs- Timothy Spall

Teddiursa- Patrick Warburton

Krisko- Mark Decascos

Inna Morrison- Linda Cardinelli

Wendy- Debi Mazar

Uncle Orsen- George Clooney

Self-Defense Teacher- Kate Hudson

Lopunny- Diora Baird

Professor Azalea- Terry Gilliam

Roscoe Muffinmitt- Eric Idle

Lulu the Cancan girl- Julianne Hough

Tomas Finch- Tim Curry

Sayble T.- Emma Stone

Rebecca Smits- Keke Palmer

Clueless McGee- Topher Grace

Stunt Double- Tyra Banks

Piplup- Barry White

Dawn- Amanda Bynes

Pikachu- Johnny Depp

Ash Ketchum- Josh Henderson

Jules/ Kwan- Katherine Heigl

Un-Coolio- Master P

Danny Stille- Drake Bell

Taco Bell Chihuahua- Gabriel Iglesias

Anna Trebunskaya- Herself

Anna Faris- Herself

Yorkie- Brianna Brown

Mitchell Musso- Himself

Vin Diesel- Himself

Plot: Wallace wakes up in a world where all ideas relate to Monty Python, Pokemon, Pop Culture References, Celebrity Cameos and Uncensored English Jargon.

Part 1: The Fun-Parade

Chapter 1: Dead Parrot Sketch

**Characters- Wallace, Melissa Glynn, Pet Shop Owner, Orla, Chipper, Teddiursa, Dawn, Piplup, and Lady Tottington.**

Wallace and Lady Tottington are walking down the street towards the pet shop to report of a dead parrot they purchased.

WALLACE: Can you believe it?

LADY TOTTINGTON: Of all the nerve!

WALLACE: Let me take care of this you stay here!

LADY TOTTINGTON: Alright…

He enters the Pet Shop with the Dead Parrot in hand.

WALLACE: I'd like to make a complaint!

MELISSA: He's somewhat deaf speak up!

She exits into the back room.

WALLACE: I'D LIKE TO MAKE A COMPLAINT!!

PET SHOP OWNER: We're closed for lunch.

WALLACE: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot that my friend and I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.

PET SHOP OWNER: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's, uh...What's wrong with it?

WALLACE: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, lad. It's bloomin' dead, that's what's wrong with it!

PET SHOP OWNER: No, no, 'e's uh, ...he's resting.

WALLACE: Look, chap, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.

PET SHOP OWNER: No, no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!

WALLACE: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.

PET SHOP OWNER: No, no, no, no, no, no! 'E's resting!

WALLACE: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (Shouting at the cage) 'Ello,

Mister Parrot! I've got a lovely fresh cuttlefish for you if you show some sign of life!

The Owner hits the cage.

PET SHOP OWNER: There, he moved!

WALLACE: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the damn cage!

PET SHOP OWNER: Why I never!!

WALLACE: Yes, you did!

He hits the cage again.

WALLACE: You just did it again!!

PET SHOP OWNER: You must be blind.

WALLACE: YOU must be- this parrot is a lost soul… a stiff!

PET SHOP OWNER: I never, never did anything...

WALLACE: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO POLLY!!!!! Testing!

Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call! Wakey, wakey!

Takes parrot out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.

WALLACE: Now that's what I call a dead parrot.

PET SHOP OWNER: No, no..... No, 'e's stunned!

WALLACE: STUNNED?!? That's such a load of hooey!

PET SHOP OWNER: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Norwegian Blues stun easily, major.

WALLACE: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased, and when me and my friend purchased it not half an hour  
ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.

PET SHOP OWNER: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.

WALLACE: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that? Look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?

PET SHOP OWNER: The Norwegian Blue prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable bird, id'nit, squire? Lovely plumage!

WALLACE: Plumage!? I don' think plumage is worth a look at when the parrot is insisted upon death!

PET SHOP OWNER: Lovely Bird it 'tis!

WALLACE: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the  
first place was that it had been NAILED there.

There is a short pause in which Melissa reenters.

PET SHOP OWNER: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!

WALLACE: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!

He looks at Melissa.

WALLACE: Come here, ma'am!

MELISSA: Yersir?

WALLACE: Look at that parrot upon the floor does it seem alive to you?

MELISSA: No, no! 'E's pining!

WALLACE: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a bloody knockout! Bereft of life, 'e  
rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible!! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!

There is another pause in which Melissa picks up the parrot.

PET SHOP OWNER: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (He takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of parrots.

WALLACE: I see. I see, I get the picture.

MELISSA: We got a slug.

WALLACE: Pray, does it talk?

PET SHOP OWNER: No… not really.

WALLACE: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?

MELISSA: N-no, I guess not.

WALLACE: Well.

PET SHOP OWNER: Would you like a better replacement?

WALLACE: I would!

PET SHOP OWNER: I has a sista' in Ipswich owns a store simal'a to mine she 'as los'sa fine birds, she does, govn'a!

WALLACE: In Ipswich you say?

PET SHOP OWNER: Yes!

He exits the shop and tells Lady Tottington about the ordeal and inevitably end up on a train making it's way to Ipswich.

WALLACE: I can't believe we have to go to Ipswich to get a bleedin' replacement bird!

LADY TOTTINGTON: The nerve of some people.

TEDDIUSRA: I can't believe it! Eight seasons of Family Guy sixty cameos on high-profile shows and I'm reduced to playing a damn pokemon! In a Monty Python Skit, nonetheless!

CHIPPER: Oh calm down at least your adorable!

ORLA: Oh it's not so bad I mean how do you feel now?

TEDDIURSA: Pissed off!!

Wallace stares at the Teddiursa for some time until…

WALLACE: Aren't you Patrick Warburton?

TEDDIURSA: (Being embarrassed when acknowledged) Why yes… uhh… I am!

He picks the Teddiursa up.

WALLACE: Haha! You're like a newborn babe!

He bounces the Teddiursa in his lap.

TEDDIURSA: Stop that! I'm warning you!

WALLACE: What're you gonna do 'bout it 'TINY'?

Teddiursa's eyes glow a deep red and it performs a scratch attack on Wallace's face causing him to drop the Teddiursa.

ORLA: I'm so sorry!

CHIPPER: Bad Teddiursa!

By midday Wallace and Lady Tottington arrive having about enough of the nonsense they've endured.

WALLACE: I'm goin' in an' hopefully this woman i'nt as codged in the 'ead like her brother.

He enters and sees the Shopkeep's sister is probably only fourteen at least.

DAWN: 'Ello how may I help you, gov'na?

WALLACE: Yes, my friend and I purchased a parrot from you brother and the bird is no wandering around as a spirit!

DAWN: Spirits are a nasty spot of botha!

WALLACE: Right…! Anyhow, I need a replacement for the, er- post-mortem parrot.

DAWN: Got'cha I have just the thing!

She pulls out a Piplup with a pair of shades and a red bowtie.

DAWN: This 'ere's a rare Ipswich parrot!

WALLACE: Madam, I don' mean to be rude, but I believe that creature is not a parrot; ratha' a pok'mon… a Piplup if I'm not mistaken!

DAWN: I'm aware! It's a 'Palindrome'!

WALLACE: A palindrome? Wha's a palindrome for what?

DAWN: 'Ipswich' is a palindrome for 'Piplup'!

WALLACE: Are you mentally unstable?! A palindrome is a word that when spelled in reverse make another word!

DAWN: So 'ow much fur it? Ten thousand pounds saunds reasonable?

WALLACE: (Outraged) Ten thousand pounds for a mere Piplup?

DAWN: He has the voice of Barry White!

WALLACE: I'd believe that only when pigs fly!

PIPLUP: (In a deep Barry White voice) Hey, there sugar stick… let the woman sell me to you and I'll personally see to it that I make sweet love to you and your friend, oh-yeah!

Wallace faints and the sketch concludes.


	2. Self Defense Against Fruit

Character List

Layla Foster- Danielle Harris

Hayden Tottington- Ryan Kwanten

Caden Robbyns- Daniel Radcliffe

Celeste Robbyns- Natalia Tena

Alice Robynns- Natalie Portman

Melissa Glynn- Ali Bastian

Chastity Phillips- Eddie Izzard

Pet Shop Owner- Dennis Leary

Dr. Abraham- John Cleese

Orla- Piper Perabo

Mrs. Roberta Landin- Sally Field

Pewter- Michael Palin

Justina- Tea Leoni

Ma Kole- Queen Latifa

Chipper- Jason Alexander

Squeaker Toy- Jon Cryer

The Late Mr. Dobbs- Timothy Spall

Teddiursa- Patrick Warburton

Krisko- Mark Decascos

Inna Morrison- Linda Cardinelli

Wendy- Debi Mazar

Uncle Orsen- George Clooney

Self-Defense Teacher- Kate Hudson

Lopunny- Diora Baird

Professor Azalea- Terry Gilliam

Roscoe Muffinmitt- Eric Idle

Lulu the Cancan girl- Julianne Hough

Tomas Finch- Tim Curry

Sayble T.- Emma Stone

Rebecca Smits- Keke Palmer

Clueless McGee- Topher Grace

Stunt Double- Tyra Banks

Piplup- Barry White

Dawn- Amanda Bynes

Pikachu- Johnny Depp

Ash Ketchum- Josh Henderson

Jules/ Kwan- Katherine Heigl

Un-Coolio- Master P

Danny Stille- Drake Bell

Taco Bell Chihuahua- Gabriel Iglesias

Anna Trebunskaya- Herself

Anna Faris- Herself

Yorkie- Brianna Brown

Mitchell Musso- Himself

Vin Diesel- Himself

Plot: Wallace wakes up in a world where all ideas relate to Monty Python, Pokemon, Pop Culture References, Celebrity Cameos and Uncensored English Jargon.

Part 1: The Fun-Parade

Chapter 2: The World's Funniest Joke

**Characters- Wallace, Layla, Danny Stille, Anna Trebunskaya, Ash Ketchem, Self-Defense Teacher (Miss Figglewoom)**

(_Wallace, Ash, Layla, Danny, and Anna stand in a line in that order, waiting)_

WALLACE: Get some discipline into this lot, Sergeant Major!

SELF-DEFENSE TEACHER (shouting throughout): Right! Good evening, class.

All (mumbling): Good evening.

SELF-DEFENSE TEACHER (_Addressing Anna_) It seems we have a new student! What's your name dear and why don't you tell us about yourself!

ANNA: My name is Anna Trebunskaya. I am a professional dancer… I'm married to my husband, Jonathan, who I met while on the popular American Reality Television Show _Dancing with the Stars_. I-

SELF-DEFENSE TEACHER (_Holding a hand to silence her)_: That's enough! Where's all the others, then?

DANNY: They're not here.

SELF-DEFENSE TEACHER: I can see that. What's the matter with them?

ASH: Dunno.

WALLACE: Perhaps they've got 'flu.

SELF-DEFENSE TEACHER: Huh! Flu, you say? They should eat more fresh fruit. Ha. Right. Now, self-defense. Tonight I shall be carrying on from where we got to last week when I was showing you how to defend yourselves against anyone who attacks you with armed with a piece of fresh fruit.

(Grumbles from all)

DANNY: Oh, you promised you wouldn't do fruit this week.

SELF-DEFENSE TEACHER: What do you mean?

DANNY: We've done fruit the last nine weeks.

ANNA: Nine weeks.

LAYLA: Yeah, it's startin' to get annoyin'!

SELF-DEFENSE TEACHER: Hey, who is teaching this class?

(_No one responds_)

ANNA: Still… fruit?

SELF-DEFENSE TEACHER: What's wrong with fruit? You think you know it all?

LAYLA: Can't we do something else?

ASH: Like someone who attacks you with a pointed stick?

ANNA: (_Agreeing_) That's a valid suggestion!

SELF-DEFENSE TEACHER: Pointed stick? (Mockingly) Oh, oh, oh. We want to learn how to defend ourselves against pointed sticks, do we? Getting all high and mighty? Fresh fruit not good enough for you all? Well I'll tell you something: When you're walking home tonight and some dude start your way with the intention of beating you to death with a clemintine, don't come crying to me! Now, the passion fruit. When your assailant lunges at you with a passion fruit...

WALLACE: We done the passion fruit.

SELF-DEFENSE TEACHER: What?

WALLACE: (_Repeating self_) We done the passion fruit.

LAYLA: We done oranges, apples, and grapefruit...

ASH: Whole and segments.

LAYLA: Pomegranates, greengages, and cantaloupe...

WALLACE: Grapes, passion fruit, and raspberries...

ASH: Lemons, starfruit, and peaches...

LAYLA: Plums, limes, and kiwi...

DANNY: Mangoes in syrup...

ANNA: Yikes! I had no idea fruit was so dangerous!

DANNY: (_Low and raspy_) It's not…

SELF-DEFENSE TEACHER: How about cherries?

LAYLA: Yessir!

SELF-DEFENSE TEACHER: Red "and" black?

ASH: Yes!

SELF-DEFENSE TEACHER: All right, bananas.

(All sigh except Anna who is still a trifle confused)

SELF-DEFENSE TEACHER: We haven't done them, have we? Right. Bananas. How to defend yourself against a man or woman or robot armed with a banana.

ANNA: (_To Danny) _Robot?

DANNY: Ignore it!

ANNA: Alright!

SELF-DEFENSE TEACHER: Now you! (_Points at Wallace)_ Come at me with this banana. Catch! (_The teacher tosses and Wallace catches_) Now, it's quite simple to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana. First of all you force him to drop the banana; then, second, you eat the banana, thus disarming him. You have now rendered him immobile from fear.

ANNA: What if he's got a bunch?

SELF-DEFENSE TEACHER: Shut up.

ASH: Suppose he's got a pointed stick.

SELF-DEFENSE TEACHER: (_Hits Ash over his head)_ Shut up. Right now you, hold it like that, that's it. Now attack me with it. Come on! Come on! Come at me! Come at me then! (Shoots him.)

WALLACE: Aaagh! (dies.)

ANNA: (_Flinches as blood spatters on her) _Holy Shit! You shot him!

SELF-DEFENSE TEACHER: Now, I eat the banana. (Does so.)

LAYLA: You shot him! You just shot my uncle!

DANNY: He's dead!

ASH: He's completely dead!

SELF-DEFENSE TEACHER: I have now eaten the banana. The deceased, Mr. Wallace, is now helpless.

LAYLA: You shot him. You shot him dead.

SELF-DEFENSE TEACHER: Well, he was attacking me with a banana.

DANNY: But you told him to.

SELF-DEFENSE TEACHER: Look, I'm only doing my job. I have to show you how to defend yourselves against fresh fruit.

ASH: And pointed sticks.

SELF-DEFENSE TEACHER: Shut up.

LAYLA: Suppose, _I myself_ attacked by a man with a banana and I haven't got a gun?

SELF-DEFENSE TEACHER: You're screwed, bitch…

LAYLA: What?

DANNY: You could stand and scream for help.

SELF-DEFENSE TEACHER: Yeah, you try that with a pineapple down your windpipe.

ANNA: (_Wiping blood away_) I thought we were learning how to defend ourselves against bananas! Not pineapple.

SELF-DEFENSE TEACHER: Where? Where?

DANNY: No she just said: a pineapple.

SELF-DEFENSE TEACHER: Oh. Phew. I thought my number was up.

DANNY: What, on the pineapple?

SELF-DEFENSE TEACHER: Where? Where?

DANNY: No, I was just repeating it.

SELF-DEFENSE TEACHER: Oh. Oh. I see. Right. Phew. Right that's bananas then. Now the persimmon. There we are. Looks relatively harmless don't it! Now you, Mr. Stille. Come at me with that persimmon. Come on. Be as vicious as you like with it.

DANNY: No.

SELF-DEFENSE TEACHER: Why not?

DANNY: You'll shoot me.

SELF-DEFENSE TEACHER: I won't.

DANNY: You shot Wallace.

SELF-DEFENSE TEACHER: That was self-defense, he had a banana. Now come on. I promise I won't shoot you.

ASH: You promised you'd tell us about pointed sticks.

SELF-DEFENSE TEACHER: Shut up. Come on, brandish that persimmon. Come at me with it. Give me Hell.

DANNY: Throw the gun away.

SELF-DEFENSE TEACHER: I haven't got a gun.

ANNA: It's there in your pocket!

SELF-DEFENSE TEACHER: It ain't.

LAYLA: You shot my uncle with it and now you're going to shoot poor Danny.

SELF-DEFENSE TEACHER: Oh that gun.

DANNY: Throw it away!

SELF-DEFENSE TEACHER: Oh all right. How to defend yourself against a persimmon-wielding assailant-- without a gun.

ANNA: You were going to shoot him!

SELF-DEFENSE TEACHER: I wasn't.

DANNY: You were!

SELF-DEFENSE TEACHER: No, I wasn't, I wasn't. Come on then. Come at me. Come on you pussy, do your worst! Come on, you pathetic little twat-sucker.

(She pulls a lever in the wall--CRASH! a 16-ton weight falls on Danny)

DANNY: Aaagh.

SELF-DEFENSE TEACHER: If anyone ever attacks you with a persimmon, just pull the lever and the 16-ton weight will fall on top of him.

LAYLA: Suppose there isn't a 16-ton weight?

SELF-DEFENSE TEACHER: Well that's planning, isn't it? Forethought.

ANNA: **FORETHOUGHT!! ** How do you predict such things?

LAYLA: Well how many 16-ton weights are there?

SELF-DEFENSE TEACHER: Look, look, look, Miss Know-it-all. The 16-ton weight is just one way of dealing with a persimmon killer. There are millions of others!

ANNA: Like what?

SELF-DEFENSE TEACHER: Shootin' him?

LAYLA: Well what if you haven't got a gun or a 16-ton weight?

SELF-DEFENSE TEACHER: Look, look. All right, smarty-pants. You three, come at me then with them tangerines. Come on, all of you, whole basket each.

LAYLA: No guns.

SELF-DEFENSE TEACHER: No.

LAYLA: No 16-ton weights.

SELF-DEFENSE TEACHER: No.

ASH: No pointed sticks.

SELF-DEFENSE TEACHER: Shut up.

ANNA: No rocks up in the ceiling.

SELF-DEFENSE TEACHER: No.

LAYLA: And you won't kill us.

SELF-DEFENSE TEACHER: I won't.

ANNA: Promise.

SELF-DEFENSE TEACHER: I promise I won't kill you. Now. Are you going to attack me?

LAYLA, ANNA and ASH: Oh, all right.

SELF-DEFENSE TEACHER: Right, now don't rush me this time. Stalk me. Do it properly. Stalk me. I'll turn me back. Stalk up behind me, close behind me, then in with the tangerines! Right? O.K. start moving.

(_Anna slinks around the side_)

(_Ash crawls on the ground_)

(_Layla charges in quiet barefoot_)

SELF-DEFENSE TEACHER: Now the first thing to do when you're being stalked by an ugly mob with tangerines is to -- release the various cats of differing sizes!

(Tigers, Lions, Panthers, Pumas, Lynxes, Jaguars, and Cheetahs enter area provoking Layla and Ash to run)

ANNA: (_Lifting herself onto a high platform_) You're a damn lunatic!

SELF-DEFENSE TEACHER: The great advantage of the cats in unarmed combat is that they eat not only the fruit-laden foe but also the tangerines. Cats however do not relish the peach. The peach assailant should be attacked with a crocodile. Right, now, the rest of you, where are you? I know you're hiding somewhere with your apricots and prunes. Well I'm ready for you. I've wired myself up to 200 tons of dynamite, and if any one of you so much as makes a move we'll all go up together! Right, right. I warned you. That's it...

ANNA: No!!!

(_Explosion)_


	3. Arguement Clinic

Character List

Layla Foster- Danielle Harris

Hayden Tottington- Ryan Kwanten

Caden Robbyns- Daniel Radcliffe

Celeste Robbyns- Natalia Tena

Alice Robynns- Natalie Portman

Melissa Glynn- Ali Bastian

Chastity Phillips- Eddie Izzard

Pet Shop Owner- Dennis Leary

Dr. Abraham- John Cleese

Orla- Piper Perabo

Mrs. Roberta Landin- Sally Field

Pewter- Michael Palin

Justina- Tea Leoni

Ma Kole- Queen Latifa

Chipper- Jason Alexander

Squeaker Toy- Jon Cryer

The Late Mr. Dobbs- Timothy Spall

Teddiursa- Patrick Warburton

Krisko- Mark Decascos

Inna Morrison- Linda Cardinelli

Wendy- Debi Mazar

Uncle Orsen- George Clooney

Self-Defense Teacher- Kate Hudson

Lopunny- Diora Baird

Professor Azalea- Terry Gilliam

Roscoe Muffinmitt- Eric Idle

Lulu the Cancan girl- Julianne Hough

Tomas Finch- Tim Curry

Sayble T.- Emma Stone

Rebecca Smits- Keke Palmer

Clueless McGee- Topher Grace

Stunt Double- Tyra Banks

Piplup- Barry White

Dawn- Amanda Bynes

Pikachu- Johnny Depp

Ash Ketchum- Josh Henderson

Jules/ Kwan- Katherine Heigl

Un-Coolio- Master P

Danny Stille- Drake Bell

Taco Bell Chihuahua- Gabriel Iglesias

Anna Trebunskaya- Herself

Anna Faris- Herself

Yorkie- Brianna Brown

Mitchell Musso- Himself

Vin Diesel- Himself

Plot: Wallace wakes up in a world where all ideas relate to Monty Python, Pokemon, Pop Culture References, Celebrity Cameos and Uncensored English Jargon.

Part 1: The Fun-Parade

Chapter 3: The Argument Clinic

**Characters- Celeste Robynns, Wendy, Yorkie, Chipper, Justina, Wallace, Taco Bell Chihuahua, Tomas Finch**

**CELESTE:** Ah. I'd like to have an argument, please.

**WENDY:** Certainly ma'am. Have you been here before?

**CELESTE:** No, I haven't, this is my first time.

**WENDY:** I see. Well, do you want to have just one argument, or are you coming from a problem and can't argue so you need material?

**CELESTE:** Pardon, I don't believe I understand.

**WENDY: **Well say you are having trouble with your relationship and need to argue it out…

**CELESTE:** Ah! I see, now. No, I'm here for the latter. Well, what is the cost?

**WENDY:** Well, It's one pound for a five minute argument, but only eight pounds for a course of ten.

**CELESTE:** Well, I think it would be best if I perhaps started off with just the one and then see how it goes.

**WENDY:** Fine. Well, I'll see who's free at the moment.

_(Pause)_

**WENDY:** Mr. Hill's free, but he's a little bit conciliatory. Ah yes, Try Mr. Chipper; room 12.

**CELESTE:** Thank you.

_(Walks down the hall. Opens door.)_

**CHIPPER:** WHAT DO YOU WANT?

**CELESTE:** Well, I was told outside that...

**CHIPPER:** Don't give me that excuse, you blasphemous bitch! You ungrateful pig! You fat disgusting oaf!

**CELESTE:** What, I-?

**CHIPPER:** Shut your mouth, you twit! Your type really makes me puke, you, stupid, idiotic, redheaded bimbo!!!

**CELESTE:** Look, I CAME HERE FOR AN ARGUMENT, I'm not going to just stand...!!

**CHIPPER:** OH, oh I'm sorry, but this is abuse.

**CELESTE:** Oh, I see, well, that explains it.

**CHIPPER:** Ah yes, you want room 12A, Just along the corridor.

**CELESTE:** Oh, Thank you very much. Sorry.

**CHIPPER:** Not at all.

**CELESTE:** Thank You.

**CHIPPER: **_(Under his breath)_ Stupid git!!

**JUSTINA:** _(Opening the door slowly poking head into room) _Is this abuse?

**CHIPPER:** What the hell did I just say you flimsy, transparent, slut!

**CELESTE: **_(Walk down the corridor) _Hopefully, I have the right door. (Knock)

**TACO BELL CHIHUAHUA:** Come in.

**CELESTE:** Ah, Is this the right room for an argument, I-? Hey, you're the Taco Bell Chihuahua! _(She shuts the door)_

**TACO BELL CHIHUAHUA:** Yes and you must be confusing me! Please close the door behind you.

**CELESTE:** I just did.

**TACO BELL CHIHUAHUA:** No you haven't.

**CELESTE:** Yes I did.

**TACO BELL CHIHUAHUA:** Just now?

**CELESTE:** Yes!

**TACO BELL CHIHUAHUA:** You did, did you?

**CELESTE:** Obviously!

**TACO BELL CHIHUAHUA:** Then humor me as to why I feel a draft?

**CELESTE:** A draft?

**TACO BELL CHIHUAHUA:** Logically, if I feel a draft in a room with no windows, no air conditioners, no vents, and there is only a door it would prove you did not shut the door.

**CELSETE:** I did!

**TACO BELL CHIHUAHUA:** I did!

**CELESTE:** You didn't!

**TACO BELL CHIHUAHUA:** I'm telling you I did!

**CELESTE:** You did not!!

**TACO BELL CHIHUAHUA:** Oh, I'm sorry, just one moment. Is this a five minute argument or the full half-hour?

**CELSETE:** Oh, just the five minutes.

**TACO BELL CHIHUAHUA:** Ah, thank you. Anyway, I did.

**CELESTE:** You most certainly did not.

**TACO BELL CHIHUAHUA:** Look, let's get this thing clear; I quite definitely closed it just now, in front of you.

**CELESTE:** No you did not.

**TACO BELL CHIHUAHUA:** Yes I did.

**CELESTE:** No you didn't.

**TACO BELL CHIHUAHUA:** Yes I did.

**CELESTE:** No you didn't.

**TACO BELL CHIHUAHUA:** Yes I did.

**CELESTE:** No you didn't.

**TACO BELL CHIHUAHUA:** Yes I did, you silly dog!

**CELESTE:** You're the dog

**TACO BELL CHIHUAHUA: **No, I said you were, and statistically, if one of us is indeed a dog and I sated it was you if most likely must be true!

**CELESTE: **That doesn't make sense!

**TACO BELL CHIHUAHUA:** Yes it does.

**CELESTE:** NO!!

**TACO BELL CHIHUAHUA:** Yes!

**CELESTE:** Oh look, this isn't an argument.

**TACO BELL CHIHUAHUA:** Yes it is.

**CELESTE:** No! No, it isn't. It's just contradiction.

**TACO BELL CHIHUAHUA:** No it isn't.

**CELESTE:** It is!

**TACO BELL CHIHUAHUA:** It is not.

**CELESTE:** Look, you just contradicted me.

**TACO BELL CHIHUAHUA:** I did not.

**CELESTE:** Oh, but you did!!

**TACO BELL CHIHUAHUA:** No, no, no.

**CELESTE:** You did just then.

**TACO BELL CHIHUAHUA:** Nonsense!

**CELESTE:** Oh, this is futile!

**TACO BELL CHIHUAHUA:** No it isn't.

**CELESTE:** I came here for a good argument.

**TACO BELL CHIHUAHUA:** No you didn't; no, you came here for an argument.

**CELESTE:** An argument isn't just contradiction.

**TACO BELL CHIHUAHUA:** It can be.

**CELESTE:** No it can't. An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition.

**TACO BELL CHIHUAHUA:** No it isn't.

**CELESTE:** Yes it is! It's not just contradiction.

**TACO BELL CHIHUAHUA:** Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position.

**CELESTE:** Yes, but that's not just saying 'No it isn't.'

**TACO BELL CHIHUAHUA:** Yes it is!

**CELESTE:** No it isn't! Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of any statement the other person makes.

_(Short pause)_

**TACO BELL CHIHUAHUA: **No it isn't.

**CELESTE:** It is.

**TACO BELL CHIHUAHUA:** Not at all.

**CELESTE:** Now look.

**TACO BELL CHIHUAHUA:** _(Rings bell)_ Good Morning.

**CELESTE:** What?

**TACO BELL CHIHUAHUA:** That's it. Good morning.

**CELESTE:** I was just getting interested.

**TACO BELL CHIHUAHUA:** Sorry, the five minutes is up.

**CELESTE:** That was never five minutes!

**TACO BELL CHIHUAHUA:** I'm afraid it was.

**CELESTE:** It wasn't.

_(Pause)_

**TACO BELL CHIHUAHUA:** I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue anymore.

**CELESTE:** What?!

**TACO BELL CHIHUAHUA:** If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minutes.

**CELESTE:** Yes, but that was never five minutes, just now. Oh come on!

**TACO BELL CHIHUAHUA:** _(Hums)_

**CELESTE:** Look, this is ridiculous.

**TACO BELL CHIHUAHUA:** I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid!

**CELESTE:**_ (Exits. Walks down the stairs. Opens door.) _I want to complain.

**YORKIE:** _(Getting up, dramatically)_ I don't need to do this you know!

**CELESTE: **I'm sorry, what?

**YORKIE: **Why are you always yelling at me?!

**CELESTE:** I'm sorry, but isn't 'Complaints'?

**YORKIE:** What? _(Sits)_ Oh no I'm sorry this is 'Bullying'… 'Complaints' is two doors down.

**CELESTE:**_ (Exits. Goes down two doors. Opens door.) _I want to complain.

**WALLACE:** You want to complain! Look at these shoes. I've only had them three weeks and the heels are worn right through.

**CELESTE:**No, I want to complain about...

**WALLACE: **If you complain nothing happens, you might as well not bother.

**CELESTE:** Oh!

**Complainer:** Oh my back hurts, it's not a very fine day and I'm sick and tired of this office.

**CELESTE:**_ (Slams door. walks down corridor, opens next door.) _Hello, I want to... _(Tomas hits him over the head with a sack of oranges) _Ooooh!

**TOMAS:** No, no, no. Hold your head like this, then go Waaah. Try it again.

**CELESTE:** Uuuwwhh!!

**TOMAS:** Better, Better, but Waah, Waah! Put your hand there.

**CELESTE:** No.

**TOMAS:** Now..

**CELESTE:** Waaaaah!!!

**TOMAS:** Good, Good! That's it.

**CELESTE:** Stop hitting me!!

**TOMAS:** What?

**CELESTE:** Stop hitting me!!

**TOMAS:** Stop hitting you?

**CELESTE:** Yes!

**TOMAS:** Why did you come in here then?

**CELESTE:** I wanted to complain.

**TOMAS:** Oh no, that's next door. It's 'Being-hit-on-the-head' lessons in here.

**CELESTE:** What a stupid concept.


	4. Albatross Lady

Character List

Layla Foster- Danielle Harris

Hayden Tottington- Ryan Kwanten

Caden Robbyns- Daniel Radcliffe

Celeste Robbyns- Natalia Tena

Alice Robynns- Natalie Portman

Melissa Glynn- Ali Bastian

Chastity Phillips- Eddie Izzard

Pet Shop Owner- Dennis Leary

Dr. Abraham- John Cleese

Orla- Piper Perabo

Mrs. Roberta Landin- Sally Field

Pewter- Michael Palin

Justina- Tea Leoni

Ma Kole- Queen Latifa

Chipper- Jason Alexander

Squeaker Toy- Jon Cryer

The Late Mr. Dobbs- Timothy Spall

Teddiursa- Patrick Warburton

Krisko- Mark Decascos

Inna Morrison- Linda Cardinelli

Wendy- Debi Mazar

Uncle Orsen- George Clooney

Self-Defense Teacher- Kate Hudson

Lopunny- Diora Baird

Professor Azalea- Terry Gilliam

Roscoe Muffinmitt- Eric Idle

Lulu the Cancan girl- Julianne Hough

Tomas Finch- Tim Curry

Sayble T.- Emma Stone

Rebecca Smits- Keke Palmer

Clueless McGee- Topher Grace

Stunt Double- Tyra Banks

Piplup- Barry White

Dawn- Amanda Bynes

Pikachu- Johnny Depp

Ash Ketchum- Josh Henderson

Jules/ Kwan- Katherine Heigl

Un-Coolio- Master P

Danny Stille- Drake Bell

Taco Bell Chihuahua- Gabriel Iglesias

Anna Trebunskaya- Herself

Anna Faris- Herself

Yorkie- Brianna Brown

Mitchell Musso- Himself

Vin Diesel- Himself

Plot: Wallace wakes up in a world where all ideas relate to Monty Python, Pokemon, Pop Culture References, Celebrity Cameos and Uncensored English Jargon.

Part 1: The Fun-Parade

Chapter 4: The Albatross Saleswoman

**Characters- Wallace, Krisko, Justina**

**WALLACE**: (Entering theatre with in a French maid outfit shouting) Albatross.... albatross.... albatross.... albatross.... albatross... albatross.... albatross.... albatross!

**JUSTINA: **(Handing Krisko money) Honey, see if she has ice cream.

**KRISKO**: (Approaching) Two good humors please.

**WALLACE**: I haven't got any good humors, I've just got this bloody albatross.... (shouts) Albatross!

**KRISKO**: What flavor is it?

**WALLACE**: It's a bird mate, it's a bloody bird, it's not any bloody flavor....(shouts)

**KRISKO**: It's got to be some flavor, I mean everything's got a flavor.

**JUSTINA: **(From her seat) Hurry up, hon!

**WALLACE**: All right, it's blood 'n albatross flavor, it's bloody sea bird flavor....(shouts) ALBATROSS!!

**KRISKO**: Do you get wafers with it?

**WALLACE**: Course you don't get bloody wafers with it, it's a bloody albatross isn't it...(shouts)

KRISKO: (To his wife) They only got albatross…

**JUSTINA**: Never tried albatross before. Oh, what the hell, get two!

**KRISKO**: I'll have two please.

**WALLACE**: I've only got one you cocksucker.... (shouts) Albatross....albatross.... albatross....albatross


	5. Cheese Shop

Character List

Layla Foster- Danielle Harris

Hayden Tottington- Ryan Kwanten

Caden Robbyns- Daniel Radcliffe

Celeste Robbyns- Natalia Tena

Alice Robynns- Natalie Portman

Melissa Glynn- Ali Bastian

Chastity Phillips- Eddie Izzard

Pet Shop Owner- Dennis Leary

Dr. Abraham- John Cleese

Orla- Piper Perabo

Mrs. Roberta Landin- Sally Field

Pewter- Michael Palin

Justina- Tea Leoni

Ma Kole- Queen Latifa

Chipper- Jason Alexander

Squeaker Toy- Jon Cryer

The Late Mr. Dobbs- Timothy Spall

Teddiursa- Patrick Warburton

Krisko- Mark Decascos

Inna Morrison- Linda Cardinelli

Wendy- Debi Mazar

Uncle Orsen- George Clooney

Self-Defense Teacher- Kate Hudson

Lopunny- Diora Baird

Professor Azalea- Terry Gilliam

Roscoe Muffinmitt- Eric Idle

Lulu the Cancan girl- Julianne Hough

Tomas Finch- Tim Curry

Sayble T.- Emma Stone

Rebecca Smits- Keke Palmer

Clueless McGee- Topher Grace

Stunt Double- Tyra Banks

Piplup- Barry White

Dawn- Amanda Bynes

Pikachu- Johnny Depp

Ash Ketchum- Josh Henderson

Jules/ Kwan- Katherine Heigl

Un-Coolio- Master P

Danny Stille- Drake Bell

Taco Bell Chihuahua- Gabriel Iglesias

Anna Trebunskaya- Herself

Anna Faris- Herself

Yorkie- Brianna Brown

Mitchell Musso- Himself

Vin Diesel- Himself

Plot: Wallace wakes up in a world where all ideas relate to Monty Python, Pokemon, Pop Culture References, Celebrity Cameos and Uncensored English Jargon.

Part 1: The Fun-Parade

Chapter 5: The Cheese Shop

**Characters- Wallace, Ma Kole, Sayble T., Celeste, Lopunny, Caden Robynns, Chastity Phillips, Squeaker Toy**

WALLACE: (Entering cheese shop with Celeste) Good Morning.

MA KOLE: (Read from cue-card Sayble T. is holding up in corner which above the words it says in parenthesis it reads smile) Good morning, Sir and/or Madam. Welcome to the National Cheese Emporium! What can I do for you?

CELESTE: (Leaning on counter after releasing Wallace) Well, we were in the burlesque associated clothing boutique on Thurman Street just now, purchasing some particularly erotic outfits for men and women, and I suddenly came over all peckish.

MA KOLE: (Scratching head) Peckish, ma'am?

WALLACE: Esurient.

MA KOLE: Excuse me?

CELESTE: Eh, hungry-like!

MA KOLE: Ah, hungry!

CELESTE: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, "a little fermented curd will do the trick," so, my dapper beaux and me curtailed our sultry activities, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles!

MA KOLE: You lost me after 'nutshell'.

CELESTE: We want to buy some cheese.

MA KOLE: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the Lady GaGa look-a-likes! (In the corner Lopunny, Chastity –an obvious drag queen- and Caden, who is trying not to be recognized by his mother, sing _Just Dance_)

LOPUNNY: (Wearing a platinum corset with matching panties and gyrosphere) _Just Dance! It's gonna be okay!_

CELESTE: Oh, heaven forbid… I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Pop queen of the Americas!

MA KOLE: Sorry?

CELESTE: Uh… like a nice tune by her!

MA KOLE: So they can go on playing, can they?

CELESTE: Most certainly! Now then, some cheese please, my good merchant.

MA KOLE: Certainly. What would you like?

CELESTE: Well, eh, how about a little red Leicester.

MA KOLE: I'm, afraid we're fresh out of red Leicester, ma'am.

WALLACE: How are you on Tilset?

MA KOLE: I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir, we get it fresh on Monday.

CELESTE: Tish tish. No matter. Well four ounces of Cafilly, if you please.

MA KOLE: Ah! It's been on order, for two weeks. Was expecting it this morning.

CELESTE: Hmm… not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Bell Paisey?

MA KOLE: Sorry, ma'am.

WALLACE: Red Windsor?

MA KOLE: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.

WALLACE: Ah. Stilton?

MA KOLE: Sorry.

CELESTE: Emental? Brilliere?

MA KOLE: No.

CELESTE: Any Norweigan Yarlsburger, per chance.

MA KOLE: No.

CELESTE: Lipta?

MA KOLE: No.

WALLACE: Lancashire?

MA KOLE: No.

WALLACE: White Stilton?

MA KOLE: No.

CELESTE: Danish Brew?

MA KOLE: No.

WALLACE: Double Goucester?

MA KOLE: No.

CELESTE: Cheshire?

MA KOLE: No.

WALLACE: Dorset Bluveny?

MA KOLE: No.

CELESTE: Brie, Roquefort, Pol le Veq, Porceileu, Savoy Aire?

WALLACE: Sampolan, Carrier de lest, Bres Bleu, Bruson?

MA KOLE: No. (She looks at her watch) So sorry my shift is up! Sayble'll help you. (She gestures to the woman holding the cue cards) Well I'm off! (She puts on a shawl then silly walks out)

SAYBLE T.: (Putting cue cards down and taking Ma Kole's place behind the counter) So what is it you want?

WALLACE: Camembert, perhaps?

SAYBLE T.: Ah! We have Camembert, yessir.

CELESTE: (surprised) You do! Excellent.

SAYBLE T.: Yes. It's, ah... it's a bit runny...

WALLACE: Oh, I like it runny.

SAYBLE T.: Well... It's very runny, actually, sir.

WALLACE: No matter. Fetch hither the fromage de la Belle France!

SAYBLE T.: I... think it's a bit runnier than you'll like it, sir.

WALLACE: I don't care how fucking runny it is. Hand it over with all speed.

SAYBLE T.: (Looking down) Oooooooooohhh...

WALLACE: What now?

SAYBLE T.: The cat's eaten it.

CELESTE: Has he.

SAYBLE T.: She, ma'am. (pause)

CELESTE: Goudon?

SAYBLE T.: No.

WALLACE: Edam?

SAYBLE T.: No.

CELESTE: Case Ness?

SAYBLE T.: No.

CELESTE: Smoked Austrian?

SAYBLE T.: No.

CELESTE: Japanese Sage Darby?

LOPUNNY: Sayble I'm getting hungry could you toss me some Cheddar?

SAYBLE T.: Alright! (She tosses a small block to her)

CELESTE: Aah, then we'll have Cheddar?

SAYBLE T.: Ohh sorry, ma'am that was the last.

WALLACE: (Extremely agitated) You... do *have* some cheese, don't you?

SAYBLE T.: (Brightly) Of course, sir. It's a cheese shop, sir. We've got-

WALLACE: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.

SAYBLE T.: Fair enough.

WALLACE: Uuuuuh, Wensleydale.

SAYBLE T.: Yes?

CELESTE: Ah, well, we'll have some of that!

SAYBLE T.: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. Madame Wensleydale, that's my name. (pause)

CELESTE: (She kneads her temples) I thought your name was Sayble?

SAYBLE T.: That's my stage name.

WALLACE: (Tired of the nonsensical banter) Greek Fetta?

SAYBLE T.: Uh, not as such.

WALLACE: Uuh, Gorgonzola?

SAYBLE T.: No.

CELESTE: Parmesan,

SAYBLE T.: No.

CELESTE: Mozzarella,

SAYBLE T.: No.

WALLACE: Paper Cramer,

SAYBLE T.: No.

CELESTE: Danish Bimbo,

SAYBLE T.: No.

WALLACE: Czech sheep's milk,

SAYBLE T.: No.

WALLACE: Venezuelan Beaver Cheese?

SAYBLE T.: Not -today-, sir, no. (pause)

WALLACE: It's not much of a cheese shop, is it?

SAYBLE T.: Finest in the district!

WALLACE: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.

SAYBLE T.: Well, it's so clean, sir!

WALLACE: It's certainly uncontaminated by cheese....

SAYBLE T.: (brightly) You haven't asked me about Limburger, sir.

CELESTE: Would it be worth it?

SAYBLE T.: Could be....

CELESTE: Have you --SHUT THAT TELEPHONE OFF!

CADEN: (Not hearing her) _You can call all you want but there is no one home_… (Turns to his mother) _No your- not… gonna… reach… my… Telephone?_ (He runs out of the store)

CHASTITY: (To Lopunny adjusting his fake boobs) Told you people preferred **Starstruck**...

WALLACE: (Slowly turning back to the clerk) Have you got any Limburger?

SAYBLE T.: No.

WALLACE: Figures. Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me:

SAYBLE T.: Yes?

WALLACE: (deliberately) Have you in fact got any cheese here at all.

SAYBLE T.: Yes, sir.

WALLACE: Really? (pause)

SAYBLE T.: No. Not really, sir.

WALLACE: You haven't.

SAYBLE T.: No sir. Not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.

WALLACE: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.

SAYBLE T.: Right then, sir. Cheery-o! (Wallace takes out a gun and shoots her)

WALLACE: What a, senseless, waste of human life. (He and Celeste exit)


End file.
